Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Things In My Cabinet: Walking Over Cliffs

I googled "going away party" and obviously this was the only
possible result I was willing to use. I mean, really, who doesn't
love them some emotive pop art? Nobody, that's who.
I leave for California in ten days. I had my goodbye-Massachusetts-you've-been-good-to-me party last night. Some of my dearest friends drove all the way from Boston just to make sure it became a dance party. I felt superlatively, almost shockingly loved - there were so many wonderful people there, and they had come because they were going to miss me! Dopey as it sounds, I guess I just didn't expect there to be so many of them. I feel so damn lucky.

But it also got me thinking. Although I still have a handful of good friends in the Bay Area, it really is only that - a handful. Like number-of-fingers-not-counting-the-thumb handful. And I am going to have to do that terrifying, nerve-wracking thing of creating a social life for myself basically from scratch, and it's going to be hard, because honestly? I am kind of a hermit and a homebody. I'm building a giant magical museum at least in part so everyone will want to come visit ME. I'm bad at going out and meeting people I get easily fed up at parties. And when I'm feeling nervous, or out of my depth, or on the edges of things, well - I can be a pretty critical, judgmental person. You know, like I don't want those dumb kids for friends anyway, so there! That internal, automatic sneer is a habit I have been (slowly, laboriously) trying to break myself of for a while now. I realized this morning, after a night of drinking and letting the idea for this post pickle percolate in the back of my skull, that two totally unexpected things have been quietly helping me out, and I hadn't noticed til just now. In fact, I don't think it really clicked until I got the email this morning that the query for the novel I'm working on is up for critique at The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment. See, these two things are totally unexpected. They're things I never thought I would have. They are:

1) internet friendships
2) grudging respect for people who make me wildly stabby

Why do I have these things, and what are they doing to me? Well, let me see if I can explain...

I'm sorry, this image is just too amazing not to use. Via
1000 Things I Like (talk about narcissism. Sigh.) It's
real toilet paper! You can buy it!
1) Okay, so until very, very recently, in my mind the internet was basically one part useful things (google, wikipedia) and one part terrifying things (everything else). I have a Facebook, and I don't hate it, because I'm actually only Facebook friends with people I generally want to talk to at some length in real life. But Twitter? JUDGE JUDGE WHAT IT IS FOR JUDGE JUDGE. Blogging? NOBODY READS MY BLOG WAHHHH. Social networking? ONLY NARCISSISTIC VENTURE CAPITALISTS DO THAT SHIT YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. And then I wrote a novel for NaNoWriMo last November, and I was clicking through their website out of desperate procrastinatory boredom one afternoon, and I came upon the Book Doctors. Long and short of it is I wound up buying their book, The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published. It's a pretty awesome book, and they are pretty awesome people. But what stuck with me more than anything else was what they had to say about social networking and social media. Basically, and I'm paraphrasing what I got out of it here, they explained that the internet is like a giant party, and the best thing to do is try and find the people who you actually want to get to know and go, like, have a real conversation with them.

This may not sound radical. But to me, it was MINDBLOWING.

This book is so awesome and it turns out the
authors are super helpful and approachable.
It's one of the reasons I'm going to California! 
If you've ever thought of building your own
house, you should totally buy it.
I had always thought of people who had "internet friendships" or "internet communities" as, well, um, lame people with no lives. I am not proud of having held this opinion. But it is the truth. And what the Book Doctors said was a serious eye-opener. First of all, they recommended using social media to self-promote between one in ten and one in forty interactions. The rest of the time? Talk to people! Find things you love and share them! Respond graciously or appreciatively to stuff you think is awesome! Ask questions! In a word, make friends. Be a good friend. Be generous, a strong listener, and a supporter of others, and people will take that seriously. I thought this was the COOLEST IDEA EVER. So that's just what I did: I went and found all the blogs I could that I thought were full of smart, funny, interesting content. Then I looked at the blogs that they followed. I now follow genius blogs like Snobbery, Lucy's Football, and the Insatiable Booksluts, among others, like a slightly over-eager puppy - you know, small and excitable and dopey and slightly inclined to drool with delight over having found people on the internet that I really want to be friends with. The content is great, but it's more than that - the folks who run these blogs are awesome people. I want to actually connect with them. And then I found the people on Twitter who were doing things I thought were fabulous, which is why I now get to go do awesome things at the Exploratorium and why I have a super long and fascinating email waiting to be answered in my inbox from one of the writers of the book that got me into natural building.

This might be the best third wheel image ever.
Via We Throw Rocks At Cars
So that's well and good. But something else interesting is happening. I don't know if this happens to everyone, or only secretly-hermity people like me, but whenever I meet someone I think is really cool, I immediately get super nervous. I worry about being over-friendly, about butting in, about not picking up cues, about what if they don't think I'm cool and it's just like sixth grade all over again. In real life, I have an easier time keeping this anxiety under wraps. If I see people I'm excited to get to know having a conversation, and I walk up and join in and it becomes clear I'm a little de trop, I can just make a pleasant excuse and walk away. You can't do that on Twitter. Am I aware of the ridiculousness of worrying about whether people I only know through 160-character interactions like me? Yes. Yes I am. But actually I'm bringing it up not to handwring about my social anxiety (which is not actually all that crippling - we're talking toe cramps, here, not paralyzing fear) but rather because I've been slowly becoming aware that in some ways social media interactions require more care and thought than real-life ones do. There's so much more I don't know about the people I meet on the internet - and I don't just mean whether or not they're actually serial killers. Here in Northampton, it's pretty likely that a twenty-something I meet at an art event shares my political and cultural views. But on the interweebles? Just because somebody can write a hilarious review or enjoy my blog doesn't mean they think like me at all. And you know what that means? Not judging. Not making assumptions, or casually snide remarks, or vast generalizations. It means I actually have to think about what I say. Because the wonderful writers and thinkers I've found to converse with are people I've gravitated towards for their wit, humor, insight, and ability with words - that is, people whose way of expressing themselves makes me respect them a whole bunch. And so even if it turns out that they are certain that I'm going to hell, or believe Obama was born in Kenya, or think that my desire to have unrestricted access to birth control is stomping on their religion, or just really really REALLY like guns, it's a lot harder for me to just dismiss them with a wave of my giant you're-an-ignoramous handkerchief. Because they're not. Or I wouldn't have followed them in the first place.

And this brings me to the other thing that's been teaching me some Valuable Life Lessons recently: people who make me stabby. "Stabby" is a term I have picked up from the book blogs I've been following. It is an awesome word and very expressive. (See, this is where the little toe cramps come in: oh god are they going to think I'm trying to be JUST LIKE THEM? Like the obnoxious girl in middle school who dresses just like the popular girls and totally fails at being cool? and then the second wave of oh god am I being too self-deprecating? Should I just play it cool? Am I ruining everything by admitting my uncertainty? at which point I start thinking HALP HALP A HEFFALUMP and then I calm the heck down.) So, here's the thing about the people who make me stabby. This whole internet presence thing is basically to slowly but surely begin to build some kind of momentum behind the Museum of Joy - to get the concept out, to interest folks, to begin to really dig in to what would make such a museum. And I'm not allowed to leave anyone out. If I'm going to build a museum about joy, it has to be for everybody. What kind of joyless, controlling, self-righteous pleasure fascist would make a museum about joy for some-people-only?

La freakin' la la la. That's me, folks.
Via Wikipedia.
So I'm going to have to develop my compassionate Buddhist self and chill out on being Judgey-Mc-Judgerson if I want to have this whole life-long-goal thing happen to me. And you know, even though the Bay Area is full of people who are very much like me, it's all full of people who aren't. Which is a very important thing for me to bear in mind as I stumble blindly off into the next part of my life. I don't want to have broken out of my easy, cozy life here just to find something identical back in the Bay. This whole process of moving across the country is so profoundly unreal, so full of uncertainty and the unknown, that the image I've been holding in my head for weeks now is the Tarot card for the Fool - maybe my favorite of all the cards, actually, one that's had special meaning for me for a long time because I love the feel of falling but I am very very bad at walking forth into anything unsettled or unclear. Is it a total coincidence that the Fool is also totally the card for the main character in my novel? Actually, yes. I didn't write him to be like me. In fact, almost the opposite - I seem to have been inspired by the sense of mystery and uncertainty and possibility in my writing to actually gets up the guts to find it in real life. Walking blithely forward over the cliff. Leap and the net will appear, says my favorite Zen koan. I'm doing my best. And that means suspending judgement. It means making room for the unfamiliar. It means being willing to step forward into discomfort. Man oh man am I not good at that. But I'm learning. Slowly. And I want to give my heartfelt thanks to each and every one of the internet friends I have made in the last three months for helping me walk out over the cliff.

26 comments:

  1. I think most intelligent people feel that way about Twitter. Twitter can be a tricky place to hang out.

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    1. Sigh. I do my best. I try and learn from those who tweet well, but I still can't say the word "tweet" out loud without either rolling my eyes or enunciating the air quotes.

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  2. I'm glad you get to be a part of our online community! I know what you mean about second-guessing yourself socially . . . thanks to the Asperger's, it took me a long, long long long time to figure out how to navigate social waters, and I still wig out about it. (It's gotten a lot better since one of my old bosses recommended "How to Win Friends and Influence People", which was life-changing for me. For srs.)

    Good luck with your move and your new endeavors! Keep us updated!

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    1. Thanks, Susie. You guys have been a big influence in making the internet seem awesome and not awful. Ultra gratitude, for reals.

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  3. You mean this? http://goo.gl/uT2Fk

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    1. Ha. I don't think I could bring myself to go to an *actual* internet party.

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  4. I have had my twitter account for over a year, but I only started actually using it in the last few months. For a long time I preferred forums.

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    1. Really! I would never have guessed. Can I ask what made you start actually using it?

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    2. Um, I was super close to deleting the account, but then another micro-blogging site I really actually liked went on a semi-permanent hiatus, and I had to find somewhere else to stay in touch with those people. I tried Diaspora*, but didn't care for it. It was just like fb and g+, but with everyone talking about how much better they were for not being on fb or g+. [shrug]

      I am terrible about unfollowing people unless there's been a direct altercation, though, so for the most part I stick to my mentions when it gets to be too fast.

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  5. If anyone gets upset over the word "stabby" spreading, they deserve some stabbing themselves.

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    Replies
    1. It's more just not wanting to be that girl who is so desperate to be cool that she just apes everything the cool kids do. Do I worry about this? Yes. Yes I do. But thank you for the reminder that in this case the cool kids aren't huge jerkbags who will sneer at me for wanting them to like me but rather awesome human beings who USE words like "stabby."

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  6. Don't really like Twitter, but I use it. I also got invited to a "tribe" on Twitter, but most of the people in my tribe don't write stuff that I feel I should tweet as the "death writer." The whole thing is so freakin' weird. And I have had crippling social anxiety, and I find that I'm much better on the web than I've been in real life unless you've known me for like a year.
    Good luck with the move. I moved to a new place two years ago and it has been both a blessing and a curse. It all depends on what we choose to focus on.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Pamela! I mean, what's weird is moving not to a new place but to an old one, and trying to MAKE it new, and worrying that it will be peculiarly regressive somehow - like I'll turn back into who I was in high school, or something. I'll be hanging on to those good wishes.

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  7. Just found your blog through Matt's QQQE blog. I landed in the Bay Area myself 3.5 years ago, leaving all my family and friends behind in the UK. But it's am amazing place to be. I absolutely love it! I live north of San Francisco (where will you be?) and it is such a literary goldmine. So many bookie things to do. Can't believe it. Best of luck with everything and sounds like you are following some great advice. Pop over and say Hi when you get to CA.

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    1. hi, Claire! Nice to meet you! The North Bay is one of my favorite places in the world, but I'll be hanging out in the east Bay til my sister leaves for college (in the UK, incidentally!) in August. I'm sure we can connect at one of the many marvelous bookstores!

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  8. Great post! I love the zen quote about leaping and then the net will appear. Most people don't realize that's always the way of things. Madeleine L'Engle said, "Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it." You have to leap first! Thanks for sharing you experiences! :D

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    1. Ah, that's a great quote, thank you! And SO TRUE. I love Madeleine L'Engle. She is full of smarts.

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  9. I think we might be personality twins. Honestly, my social circle contains the exact same people it did 10 years ago (with a few additions), and this is one of the things that has prevented me from relocating. I feel like I am an acquired taste-- takes a while to see the appeal. So you're brave, and I think you will be fine!

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    1. Aw, thanks! It definitely FEELS brave, even though it's just, well a move. I love my people, but I do also believe strongly that good friendships last no matter what the distance is.

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  10. Oh man, Jericha, I knew I loved your query on The QQQE, but I had no idea how much we had in common. Like twins separated at birth! WOW! And you're going home, to my beloved Bay Area. How I envy you.

    I moved to Seattle nearly eight years ago after living in the Bay Area for over 25 years. I miss it so much, it's painful. I cannot even think about SF without crying. But the time here in gloomy, dreary, rainy, and consummately unfriendly Seattle has given me the opportunity to write my own novel and henceforth meet all kinds of lovely bloggy people like yourself.

    Yeah, I hated the idea of blogging, but then there was that whole nagging notion of "building a platform." Ugh! But I've found the most noble of beings here and even my best friend. Imagine that! It is and can be exactly what we make it. I chose to be a part of a family, and have found there is none like it in the whole world. I'm glad I took that leap, however reluctant. And I'm happy to see you here, as well! Nice to meet you! And thanks for dropping by, following, and commenting over at my place today. You're now on my blog roll.

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    1. Hi Nancy! It's nice to meet you, and thanks for stopping by!

      I'm glad you've used you Seattle-inspired misery to write a novel. That's an excellent & admirably productive way to use dissatisfaction. Many famous/gloomy artists would be proud! I hope there are other things there that have made it not ALL misery, but you are seriously brave in my book for leaving the Bay for the land of Eternal Rainfall. (And I LOVE the rain.)

      I hated the whole "platform" idea too, and it really wasn't until I realized that really I could just make friends and tell people I admired & appreciated them that it started to feel like, well, not a horrible chore. It's people like you who make it worthwhile. Hooray & thansk for making me so welcome!

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  11. I don't know how I just ended up reading this, but it made me smile thinking about how you'd been telling me to get a Twitter account! :)

    Having done the "move across the world into a life I know nothing about" a few times now, and still settling into the move I made a year ago, I can only say "breathe." And expect the first year to be hard, perhaps isolating. By the same token, though, being in a place where few people *really* know you is an awesome experiment in discovering who you want to become. In my head, there's a clear Buenos Aires Aditi and California Aditi and Mexico Aditi and New york Aditi. Delhi, as home base, has received and met all of those Aditis, and now that I've been back for about a year, bits and pieces of those different people are becoming part of the New Delhi Aditi, as are new experiences I am having here. While I wasn't consciously choosing to be or not be a particular person in a particular place, I also know that I wouldn't have fully become that person in that time and place if I'd had the comfort of a social group and solid relationships to just sink into. That's really rewarding.

    Also, the meaning of internet friends changes (and becomes even more awesome) when they are people you knew in real life but no longer share a coast (or, in my case, continent) with... especially when it's been that way for a few years. They are still really close because you actually know these people, but they are far away because they belong in a different life, and that combination makes for super-interesting conversations and friendships (even if sometimes you just miss the hell out of them afterwards!)

    That's my two cents: you're headed into an adventure — enjoy it! And let's stay "internet friends" :)

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    1. hi Aditi! It's so nice to see you here...thanks for stopping by :)

      "While I wasn't consciously choosing to be or not be a particular person in a particular place, I also know that I wouldn't have fully become that person in that time and place if I'd had the comfort of a social group and solid relationships to just sink into. That's really rewarding."

      And really reassuring. Thank you. One day, if all goes well, there will be a Delhi Jericha...!

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  12. Well, you know, I'm out here, and I hope I'm one of the people you want to meet and hang out with since, you know, I am out here.

    I saw that your query went up, but I've been out of town and haven't had a chance to look at it, yet. I'm working on catching up.

    I'm all hermity, too. And I could comment more about this post, but I'm trying to catch up on all that I missed this week...

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    1. Aw, well, I missed YOU. See, internet friendships are totally real - I noticed that you weren't around!

      And I DO hope to meet up at some point. That seems like a pretty rewarding extension of relationships forged in the unreal universe of teh internetz to me.

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  13. Wow! Thanks for noticing. I think most people didn't notice.
    Yours was the first blog I clicked on to start getting caught up on what I missed while I was gone, so I missed you, too.

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